Dear God

Dear God

I don’t want to go to Heaven, Not just yet, anyway.

I want to come back as a Nigerian male.

I want to grow up playing football on the streets

While my sisters are taught how to cook, clean and please a husband.

 

I will be circumcised, yes but not to curb promiscuity,

No nah, that’s for the poor girl-child;

She has to remain pure and undefiled for me when i am ready to partake of her pleasures.

I on the other hand, will be busy sowing my wild oats.

Not for me the fear of getting pregnant,

Not for me, the curse of repeat heartbreaks.

 

I don’t want to go to Heaven,

I want to become the head of my family and rule over it like the don that i am.

I expect my wife to be co- breadwinner but certainly not co-head.

We will both work 9-5 but she will still have to make my supper as well as tend the kids as they come and do all the chores.

Remember i am the head of the family and you commanded her to be submissive

And as one of your spokesmen recently pointed out, she was created purely as an afterthought and to pleasure me.

Remember also, i was too busy learning how to be a man, to bother with housework.

Meanwhile, if all i have to offer is lousy sex, she has to grin and bear it.

However, if she does not please me, i will marry another wife and another if need be.

But If i deign to be monogamous, She has to be eternally grateful

And do all she can to make me happy.

I prefer life as a Nigerian husband than Heaven because if i cheat, my wife will be blamed and told to dress sexier, cook better, be humble, pray for me or watch WAR ROOM. What a sweet life!!!!

I can’t wait to put my feet up and issue commands like the general i will be;

‘Why is the Rice too salty, didn’t your mother teach you to cook?

What have you been doing all day? You only know how to make demands for money?

You spend all your time watching TV, because you don see flat-screen, abi? Did you father ever own a black and white?

My friend, go and get my dinner. You want a washing-machine. You are not well. Did you ever use a washing machine in your father’s house???? Let those clothes not be washed and ironed before i come back and you will see....

Need i say more? God, you know the drill nah.

 

So whatever you do, remember to make me a man in my next life

After that, we can talk about Heaven.

 After all, the average Nigerian guy is already in Heaven.

(c) Teejay Dogoh